For the first time in I don’t know how long, I won’t be casting a ballot in the upcoming municipal elections.

This is because for over a year now I’ve been living the country life on — name of road redacted in case folks who don’t like me come armed with pitchforks and torches, folks who love me come armed with shekels, flowers, and accolades, or if I get into a Letterman stalker situation and have to move again.

Because I am now enjoying fresh country air, the sounds of silence, and the smell of peanuts being turned, I am without a municipality or a ballot and get no say-so in the affairs of Roanoke Rapids politics or any of the other races that I’ll be missing.

And golly gee, I am missing a battle royale in the three-way Roanoke Rapids mayoral race, the race between a former city councilman and the incumbent, and the Roanoke Rapids School Board race.

It’s gonna be a fun one because in one corner you’ve got a brash New Yorker seeking to become the city’s next mayor, you’ve got the incumbent seeking re-election, and you’ve got another challenger as well — the guy who posts his thoughts on signs so folks traveling down Seventh Street-Old Farm Road can read his sometimes cryptic, sometimes entertaining, and sometimes baffling messages that leave you laughing, scratching your head, or finding a safe place to turn around and read them again so you’re either laughing, scratching your head, or finding a safe place to turn around and read them again so — well, you get the picture.

Those signs are one of the things I miss the most about living on — name of road redacted because I’m scared the local paparazzi — you know, the Roanoke Rapids Herald, the Lake Gaston, Warrenton, Ahoskie papers, and Fighting Crime, which is not really a paper but something else I haven’t figured out yet — will learn about the Victoria’s Secret Angels, Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, and A-list actresses coming over for my weekly bacchanal.

I had a feeling that I would be locked out of the municipal elections when I moved to — Name of Road Redacted — and just to make sure I called the Halifax County Board of Elections Wednesday just to check.

Sure enough, I will have no say in this year’s municipal elections, won’t get a ballot, or a cool sticker that says I voted.

Somebody asked me about the address on my license and I informed them that, being an upright citizen, I had the address changed soon after I moved so I can’t sneak into polling places and commit voter fraud.

I guess the one thing I won’t miss about now living this bucolic life at Martin-a-Lago — trademark Lance L. Martin — and not being able to vote is having to dodge the pollworkers shoving premarked sample ballots in my face.

The guy at the board of elections office told me our next opportunity to vote — he also lives in a no-municipal election zone — will be in the primary and that one stands to be a tasty affair too, judging from all the pre-race hype being circulated on social media.

So for now I reckon I’ll just get to sit back and enjoy this one, report on it, and then be done unless there’s nasty challenges, local ballot boxes being discovered in Chockoyotte Creek and pleas to the secretary of state to find 11,000 votes, or hanging chads. I’m not sure what a hanging chad is but it sure sounds awful painful.

Of course, I won’t have this problem when the time for another presidential election comes around and I’m stuck with choices that will leave me unsatisfied like they have for the last few election cycles.

That’s not something I should worry about right now or perhaps I should.

I have a feeling that the current president, being the child-man or man-child he is, will make an attempt to defile a beautiful document called the Constitution and seek unlimited terms and send federal troops into every community in America despite whoever the mayor is at that time saying they’re not needed or wanted.

But we’ll save that for another column.

Just realize I’m not shirking my civic responsibilities this year. I just chose to move to Martin-a-Lago where I don’t live in a municipality but have the freedom to continue my bacchanals with Victoria’s Secret Angels, swimsuit models, and A-list actresses — Lance Martin