Yet the company which now owns the iconic cookie with those ever-so crunchy chocolatey wafers and the inner sweetly-rich cream filling wants to toy with the classic and make some hip creation called Oreo Thins.

The press release on this ridiculous new cookie, which you can't really call an Oreo, says, and I quote, “Adults looking for a more grown up take on their favorite childhood cookie are in luck. Today Oreo announced the introduction of its newest cookie offering: Oreo Thins, a crisp, delicate cookie that delivers on the Oreo cookie taste you already know and love. Oreo Thins offer a delicious new snacking experience for anyone looking for a more grown-up option to satisfy that 'need-something-sweet now moment' we all have now and then, while still delivering the delicious flavor of a classic Oreo cookie.”

Adults? Grown-ups? Are we talking 50 Shades of Oreo? Are these cookies which really aren't cookies going to be used in some licentious S&M dungeon to inflict pain on some innocent reporter just out of college? Will there be some scalding milk bath scene?

The "sophisticated" evil spawn.

Let me just tell you, there is no need to take this treasured treat of childhood and put an X-rating on it so some sexist billionaire can pervert these sweet, innocent goodies and turn them into something vulgar.

"At Oreo, we know that some of our fans have grown up and that their tastes have grown up too," said Patty Gonzalez, Senior Brand Manager Oreo at Mondelez International, which is the company that apparently owns Nabisco now. "With this in mind, we're excited to introduce Oreo Thins as a new take on the classic cookie. The crisp and delicate texture of Oreo Thins was specially designed for fans who love the taste of Oreo but are looking for a more sophisticated cookie."

The Oreo was never designed to be a sophisticated cookie. It was designed to be dunked in milk and savored as the dairy product melts the cookie in your mouth.

This is how we do it.

I've never seen a sophisticated cookie except those bland tins of shortbreads some people give as Christmas gifts. That's probably because I've never been to a restaurant where the main dish is a microscopic piece of beef infused with cilantro gelato, garnished with a garbanzo bean and a pinch of kale.

The press release goes on, “Following thin cues in technology, Oreo Thins puts a sleek and modern spin on a classic.”

The spin masters at Mondelez International even manage to use the words chic and silhouette in the news release and say this monstrosity pairs great with an afternoon latte or cup of tea “for a more adult treat.”

The right way.

See, once again they bring up the adult part as if that's supposed to make this new beast appealing. It's Oreos and milk — not Oreo Thins with a venti, skinny, soy decaf infused thingamabob with extra cinnamon foam.

They tout the calorie factor as well — four thins at 140 versus three regulars at 160. When you're scarfing down Oreos with a frosty glass of cold milk you're not thinking about calories. You are only thinking about the taste of the milk which has made the cookie as soft and pliable as one of Christian Grey's conquests.

I give the geniuses at Mondelez credit because they are going to market the thing with new etiquette lessons in what they call an epic TV launch spot with visual clues. It's called propaganda.

James Spader as Robert California with a plate of Oreos.

You really don't need visual clues with the old Oreos. Generations have learned to either dunk or twist. That's it.

“A playfully cinematic video ... illustrates how the more sophisticated Oreo Thins gives the forgotten pinky finger a new reason to be.”

Huh? This seems to take us right back to the 50 Shades of Oreo thing and I don't really want to know.

About the only thing the press release gets right is Oreo is the world's favorite cookie, enjoyed by families and friends in more than 100 countries around the world.

Classic Oreos.

It is the best-selling biscuit — that would be cookie, thank you — of the 21st century with more than $2 billion in global annual revenues.

And here's about the only other thing they get right — the twist, lick and dunk ritual has become the signature way to enjoy this iconic cookie for many different cultures around the world.

Somehow, I'm sure the twist, lick and dunk ritual takes on a different, seedy meaning with the sophisticated Oreo Thins I want no part of.

Oh, Robert California of The Office fame, tell me this is not the improvement of which you speak because you can't improve upon a classic — Lance Martin