I gave rrspin’s Facebook fans the chance to weigh in on the topic of this, the eleventh column of Christmas.
Guess what? No takers.
I assume that means they’ve enjoyed the series so much they feel I’ve covered all the bases.
Personally, I feel this series was a flop, drawing in the fewest readers of any column series I’ve done. Well, that’s not actually true because this was the first column series I’ve ever done and it was still a flop.
That’s OK. I suppose people don’t want to hear me drone on about insignificant things like Pizza Hut perfume and Santa dressing up in UNC gear.
I think in order to peak the interest of the Facebook followers there are several categories I have to write about.
One is anyone who is charged with marijuana possession. This seems to fire the passion of the Facebook fans like a well-rolled joint at a reggae concert.
Fans seem to have one of two tokes, I mean takes — either they’re for the legalization of marijuana and criticize the cops for doing their jobs even though marijuana is still illegal or they are against the legalization of marijuana and criticize the cops for not doing enough because marijuana is still illegal.
Second is anything having to do with somebody shooting an intruder or if they didn’t shoot the intruder they would have gladly done the job for them. I respect the Constitution but I think shooting an intruder by proxy would raise some serious Constitutional questions.
Even if it’s a drug dealer on drug dealer home invasion the victim of the home invasion is typically praised for protecting his or her valuable illegal stash. My toke, I mean take, remains the same as it was when I explored that issue a while ago — the drug dealer wouldn’t find themselves in these positions if they had a mail route instead of a cocaine delivery route.
Chick-fil-A is another topic that fuels the ire of readers because the fast-food restaurant either epitomizes the fight for Christian rights or epitomizes the fight against Christian rights. The chicken sandwich over the last year has apparently become a key to eternal salvation. The column I wrote about Chick-fil-A Day back in August was deemed genius, liberal, satanic, misguided and talented while one preacher essentially said I was going to hell.
Be careful when you write about criminals being arrested — their family members may have a Facebook account. This causes the most consternation because the family members lose control and forget I have rules on the Facebook page about bawdy language. When I remind Facebook readers I have a strict policy on language there is a subculture that accuses my policy on said language being censorship because I delete comments as quick as a cop taking a joint from a perp on Saturday night in the mill village.
Then there is the-bring-back public hanging crowd or just simply the death penalty crowd. While I have no problem with the death penalty, except when the wrong person is executed, you won’t see a death penalty sentence in North Carolina or anywhere else in a long time — until they figure out a way to not execute the wrong person.
I’m not sure what I expected. I was maybe thinking I would get these suggestions:
- The bounty gate behind reindeer games and how they get performance bonuses for maiming or killing another reindeer during tryouts.
- A cage match fight to the death brawl between Santa and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who wants to control Santa’s eggnog consumption. I would lay odds on Santa Claus.
- A Libertarian Christmas pageant where I reinforce my beliefs in free markets, the Constitution as it applies to the holiday season and, yes, Virginia, or Colorado and Washington, the legalization of marijuana, which is currently illegal in North Carolina. Hemp is the most versatile plant on the planet. You can make Christmas wreathes, Christmas trees, reindeer feed, Santa clothes and even sleigh fuel from it.
- Does the North Pole have Christmas parties and, if so, who spikes the eggnog?
- If mommy was really kissing Santa Claus why hasn’t Mrs. Claus appeared on Montel or Maury in a baby daddy episode?
- A fantasy football Christmas special where I whine to Santa about how I’m playing in the consolation round rather than the championship round because he didn’t warn me against benching Alfred Morris against the Ravens. Forgot, Santa only follows the Canadian Football League, which in my opinion was a great column.
Well, I guess as the Rolling Stones sang you can’t always get what you want, which would have made an excellent column on Christmas gifts I wanted but never got. Maybe next year — Lance Martin