A philosopher once sought wisdom from the Oracle at Delphi.

The question was a valid one: Is a hemlock dealer's home his castle?

The Oracle asked the philosopher to explain.

The philosopher began where any thinker worth his weight in drachmas would — at the beginning.

Priestess of Delphi

The police force of foreign slaves received a call one night shortly after 8:15.

The call was about a break-in, commonly called a home invasion these days because it sounds more dramatic in outdoor performances by Thespis.

A knock was heard at the door and the alleged hemlock dealer let the first person in. It would seem from this the alleged hemlock dealer knew who he was letting enter.

Upon letting the person in a house where five people were already inside, three more, wearing black togas and ski masks, rushed inside, spears drawn, demanding all occupants to hit the floor.

Poison hemlock

One spear was thrown and the alleged hemlock dealer reached for his spear and threw. While the foreign slave police won't say where on his body the person aimed for was hit, it is known his target was wearing protective armor upon his chest, so we can only assume the spear shot was a direct hit somewhere in the face.

Two of those who broke in fled, another was detained by the alleged hemlock dealer while the person who was the recipient of the spear shot later died.

The foreign slave police arrested the detained intruder and no charges are going to be filed against the alleged hemlock dealer.

Socrates

Before the philosopher could continue, in very un-Oracle fashion, Pythia spoke. “It seems clear to me,” the sage Oracle said, “Do we not have laws now which allow a home owner to protect his house? These are referred to as the Castle Doctrine. So, why do you waste my valuable time when I have an appointment with Diogenes after lunch? Off with you, go back to Athens and compete in the Olympics or something. Of course, a hemlock dealer's home his castle.”

There's more to the story, the philosopher said, “If you weren't so eager to dismiss me so you can keep your lunch date with some stoic who lives in a barrel and tells Alexander to get out of his sunlight.”

The Oracle heaved a heavy sigh and told the philosopher to let her check on her baklava first and she would listen to the now, what she considered, tedious story.

Baklava

“Boy it took you long enough,” the philosopher said.

“I find you quite dreary and sophomoric,” the sage replied, “But since Diogenes is chronically late, continue.”

The philosopher continued that he learned after the man was cleared of killing the intruder with the spear he was rushed into federal custody for illegal distribution of hemlock and olive oil based on a recent indictment.

“The foreign slave police say the whole intent was to rob the man of hemlock and olive oil or hemlock and olive oil money or maybe a combination.”

Diogenes

The Oracle let out a noxious belch that left ethylene-like vapors and smelled about the same. “Why didn't you tell me this in the first place, you nitwit?”

“I wanted to,” replied the philosopher, “But you were so busy thinking about that cynic Diogenes that you wouldn't give me time to finish.”

“OK,” says the Oracle. “In that case, an alleged hemlock dealer's home is not his castle and here's why. Obviously, because of who he was and the foreign slave police's past dealings with him, those who, yes, planned the robbery, knew there were gains to be gotten. Gains that were originally gotten illicitly.”

Thespis

Says the philosopher, “Now you're cookin', sister.”

The Oracle, irritated, says, “Therefore, because he is allegedly a known hemlock and olive oil dealer, he assumed the risk by dealing in these things instead of going into, say, fig farming, and making an honest living.”

Sing it, sister, the philosopher cries to an eye-rolling Oracle. “Therefore, while within the letter of the Castle Doctrine, he was within his right to protect his home from intrusion and should not be charged. He nonetheless, through his alleged hemlock and olive oil trade, made himself an obvious target and all this mess could have been avoided. So it's like the Sword of Damocles hanging over your head, it's a winless situation, but with all the hemlock dealer on hemlock dealer crime these days, I would say, no, a hemlock dealer's home is not his castle because through the nature of his trade he knows there are the risks and he could have easily done the same thing to a rival.

“While I will stand behind what he did, the man is no hero and greatly increased the odds that this would happen because of the nature of his business, kind of like those crazy Romans who leave their keys and gladiator DVDs in their chariots.”

The philosopher scratches his head. “So should the Castle Doctrine apply to drug dealers?”

Says the Oracle, “Read between the lines, kid. That will be 25 drachma and, no, you can't have a piece of baklava.” — Lance Martin via the Oracle