So I'm looking at the BBC news website this morning and see where in a few weeks the world's population will be at 7 billion.

This also got me thinking about the Iranian space program and how it could be used to trim the earth's population by a billion or so because I'm claustrophobic.

I haven't been to the state fair in years for fear of getting run over and scalded by tons of thousands of people with roasted corn in one hand and fried Twinkies in the other, not to mention hot fried Oreo crumbs on their chin.

Unfortunately, Iran's modern plan to shoot a monkey into space failed and I'll have to wait for them to get up to speed on modern rocket technology instead of just tying monkeys to Scud missiles to enact my plan of population reduction.

I have a whole list of people that would reduce my claustrophobia by loads and bunches and to someone who doesn't like being face to face with someone's rear on crowded stairs, a million or so people less is a good start.

I'm not talking about genocide or anything drastic like that, except for people like Lindsey Lohan, Chaz Bono, the cast of Jersey Shore and the cast of any other reality show or irritating celebrity I feign interest in so as not to be out of the loop.

I'm talking about colonization of a half a billion or so irritants to distant galaxies. That way I don't have to be afraid of spilling my beverage or being slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit if I unintentionally grope someone while maneuvering through the throngs of people trying to get to their seats at one of the many shows at the Roanoke Rapids Theatre.

I know, folks in one of my fantasy football leagues say I'm inclined to whine. How would you feel when you see Matt Schaub gets two points taken away for being sacked? Sacks are not always a sign you have a bad quarterback, unless your last name is Grossman, Romo or Painter.

So here's my solution, I wouldn't call it a final solution because if the Iranians can't even launch a monkey into space on a giant firecracker I think I'm going to have to avoid crowds from now on.

Category 1: People in service industries who polish their nails, read Tiger Beat and text their friends about the impishly cute looks of Alfred E. Neuman, uh, I mean Scotty McCreery if you're a girl and how easy it would be to be Eminem if you're a boy. That would reduce the population by 10 or 20 million so I could be served or waited on.

Category 2: People who rush up to stop signs in their cars making you think they're going to run it so you slam on breaks and are piled into from the car behind you, causing a chain reaction wreck. This category includes all other categories of bad drivers from those who cut you off so they can get to their neighbor's driveway to teen drivers who read Tiger Beat and text their friends while driving about the impishly cute looks of Alfred E. Neuman … you get the picture, there's another 5 or 6 million.

Category 3: Facebook users who share hoax links that say if you share this link 100 times some boy in West Virginia will get a heart transplant and get a free concert from the impishly cute Alfred E. Neuman or share some smokes, blow and booze with Charlie Sheen. There's some 3 million folks right there.

Category 4: People who complain about the theater being a burden but have no solution to the problem other than to burn it. That's a localized issue and perhaps criminal if someone actually decides to torch the building. That would probably reduce the population by the 500 or 600 who care but can offer no solution. Justin Bieber may be available due to the rising popularity of Alfred E. Neuman.

Category 5: The Suck for Luck campaigners. This includes the ESPN staff and all of how many Miami Dolphins fans there are in the world. Not many this year. This category would have included the Tim Tebow Hate Club but the only ones I know in it are the ESPN staff and they are in orbit with the space monkeys.

Category 6: Democrats and Republicans, Uh, no he didn't. Uh, yes he did. Sorry, the system is broken, you just don't want to admit it's broken. There's some 75 or 80 million there.

Category 7: Occupiers. Hey, go occupy your local businesses and stimulate the local economy or get a job. There's some million or so, depending on whose numbers you believe.

Category 8: David Harvey, president of the Halifax County Chapter of the NAACP. Never mind, he's already in a world of his own.

Category 9: Those idiots who thought Google + would overtake Facebook as the world's most popular social networking site. Well, that includes me, so in my haste to rid the world of irritants I think I'm going to have to get used to being claustrophobic and be forced to enjoy Alfred E. Neuman, uh, Scotty McCreery concerts. Happy birthday to the babies who are going to make us a 7 billion strong planet.