I realize now is probably not the perfect time for levity, given all the bad news that's been reported here lately and this could be one of those columns that blows up in my face and only I think is funny.

I'll give it a try, though, as maybe in the times when the news is bad we all could stand a little humor.

I'm sitting in the Weldon town board meeting this morning when the topic of ordinance changes come up. These are ordinances which haven't been changed since 1977.

I was hoping there would be more antiquated ordinances, you know, like those which say it's illegal to lead your horse to water on Sunday morning when it's raining outside or it's illegal to tip your hat to a woman who's not wearing a dress that conceals the ankles.

Alas, these are ordinances that haven't been revised since the 70s, but nevertheless it got me thinking what if there were ordinances on the books that dealt with specific issues of the 70s.

I'm thinking about ordinances like:

It's illegal to wear a leisure suit without a matching polyester shirt if you're not going to disco and boogie.

It's illegal to wear platform shoes with goldfish in them if there's not some mechanism to keep the goldfish fed.

This is how my mind works sometimes, this is why I relish and roll in what I consider to be bad songs, especially the bad songs of the 70s when there was so much good music out there, Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, my personal favorite the Electric Light Orchestra.

My mind was reeling with silly ordinances that might apply then and would later have to be revised.

Ordinances like:

Discussion of Watergate is strictly prohibited on Sundays and anyone who doesn't think we are One Nation Under a Groove shall be banished for no more than a week from the town limits.

If you play Seasons in the Sun more than once in a week you will have to turn in your record player or eight-track tape player.

There could be other ordinances:

A person who doesn't learn The Hustle in a month shall be forced to hard labor for a week or forced to give up their place in the gas line.

If you don't wear multicolored tube socks to the roller disco you can't participate in a couples only skate.

Other laws might pertain to the wearing of mood rings, forbidding them because they could be considered mystic or one that says they can not be worn from sunrise to sunset on Sundays.

Tab and Fresca would be mandatory beverages for any social function in a public building or else you give up your right to have a party in one for a year.

Any woman not smoking a Virginia Slim hasn't come a long way, baby, and will be forced to walk a long way to the store to buy a pack.

Of course, there would have to be laws targeting Pet Rock owners, laws that govern keeping them on a leash at all times when outside and how the owner is responsible for cleaning up any mess left behind by said pet rock.

Other laws in my 1970s legislation mind would be as follows:

Anyone not driving a rig but wishing to join a convoy must use their CB radio to ask C.W. McCall for permission.

All people wearing bellbottoms must adhere to the standard circumferences set by municipalities and those who don't will be subject to a fine and forfeiture of said pants or have two weeks to have them altered.

All Afro picks must be worn either inside the Afro with the Black Power sign visible or in the back pocket with the red and green trim visible.

Anyone attempting to eat the green floor cleaning pellets in the gym will be subject to jail time or mental evaluation.

Anyone caught using Clackers will be subject to severe fines and imprisonment. You could really bash someone's head in with those things, or maybe someone should just hit me in the head with a set to make this column stop. Have a Nice Day! — Lance Martin