I stumbled across these things the other day when checking the Wall Street Journal feed — yes, I do read other things besides old issues of Cracked magazine.

It caught my attention because deep in my soul I am basically a Luddite and think all cell phones should come with a rotary dial so the young'uns that have grown up in an age where a house phone is a museum piece should have to struggle when texting their friends to see if they want to hang out in a parking lot.

Apparently some people are having problems using the new iPhone 6 with one hand because it's too big. I can see this being a problem when you want to drive and, unfortunately, have to keep one hand on the steering wheel.

Well, thankfully, for you, the Japanese Thanko company has invented a stylus thumb that lets you use these new big phones with one hand, drink your coffee with the other and drive with your knee.

It's a creation that's going to send many a driver careening into a tree because it's so important to know that baby daddy is now cheating on baby mamma with another baby daddy baby mamma. I think that's the way it should go because I can never tell anymore now that the English language has been watered down to caveman grunts.

I always thought the office finger tip things you use to sort stuff was a little weird and looked like some instrument that might be deployed in those pornographic 50 Shades of Grey books that make women think men are inadequate.

Now we have smartphone thumbs so we can hold our phones with one hand while using the other to ward off any conversation with another human being because it's so important we catch up on someone's Facebook drama or see what they had for dinner last night. Note here: Your food does not look as appetizing as you think it does.

To make matters worse, as if people walking around with rubber thumbs with phone swipers wasn't bad enough, the usually pragmatic Wall Street Journal offers you a smartphone ergonomics chart to check whether your hand fits your phone screen.

This may be the most important infographic ever created because if you buy a phone that doesn't fit your hand your friends will tease you unmercifully and think you're some kind of nerd. Acceptance is important these days and not having a phone that fits your hand properly could be the difference in spending the night with the prom queen or spending the night alone reading old issues of Cracked or reading 50 Shades of Grey books that essentially objectify you.

It isn't bad enough that I witness on a daily basis people sitting at the table with each other gazing intently into their phones. Now I'm going to have to see people sitting at the table with giant thumbs so it makes it easier to ignore conversation.

Maybe some other company should invent a product that sends out a painful shock if you put on a giant thumb because if you need a giant thumb, you might want to think about stepping back from your phone for awhile — Lance Martin