That's why I'd never be a standup comedian, not that I'm that funny anyway. In my mind I think I'm Jerry Seinfeld or Larry David.

Not that all these columns would be funny, but, like I said, I don't think I could pull it off.

Even as I write this column I'm stumped on 12 topics to even write about that don't involve the theater, football or crime and you know that at least in two of the 12 football is going to be mentioned at least twice and the theater at least once. As far as crime, what can you do?

If I were to start writing a 12 part column on the 12 days of Christmas I guess it would go something like this …

On the first day of Christmas I'd like the whole world of sports commentators to get off Tim Tebow's back — surprise, surprise, football is the first topic — and ride people like Ndamukong Suh or James Harrison for being dirty players. I'm sure if Tebow were fighting dogs or shooting himself in clubs there would be hardly any mention of him. Yet, because he has Christian values and, right now, not a great passing style, he is ridiculed as being the worst young prospect since, I don't know, Brady Quinn. Now that of this writing he is winning games, what can you say? I would say we haven't seen the last of him. Get used to it.

On the second day of Christmas I'd like to see that payment, or at least the deposit, from Lafayette Gatling come in. I hate eating crow, not that I've ever eaten crow, but I'm sure some roadkill would taste just as good. I was already proven wrong that the Old Crow Medicine Show concert was going to be the show that began the righting of the sinking ship and I don't want to be proven wrong again. Yes, I mentioned the theater.

On the third day of Christmas, and you better put on your steel toed shoes because I'm getting ready to step on toes, I would like to see the GOP admit they have been wrong in blacklisting and banning Ron Paul from several of their debates. Yes, you've probably figured it out by now, I'm what one person so condescendingly called a Paulbot. I bet you this and I will order another serving of crow if I'm wrong, that none of the other contenders in the GOP field stand a chance against President Obama.

On the fourth day of Christmas I would like to see a moratorium on the phrase, “It is what it is.” Warning: Link contains an expletive. Like synergy and other cliches before it, this phrase clearly tells me that the scope of your brain and word power is so limited that you can't explain the situation other than uttering these five little words. Is it really what it is or is there a solution that could make it better than it is right now? It is what it is denotes failure and giving up and acceptance of the status quo.

On the fifth day of Christmas I would like people to understand if you say, “happy holidays” to me I'm not going to shoot you or not return the greeting. I saw a post on Facebook that said, “The next person who says Happy Holidays to me, we're gonna have a come to Jesus meeting.” I didn't respond but, personally, I think it's pretty sacrilegious and not very Christian, but that's just me. Refer to this link for further reading on the subject.

On the sixth day of Christmas I would like to know why some aspiring entrepreneur hasn't come up with outdoor Hanukah and Kwanza decorations. If they haven't yet, I'm on it. As a postscript, I see both Hanukah and Kwanza have been covered. Oh, well, “It is what it is.”

On the seventh day of Christmas you can find out how much all the stuff in The 12 Days of Christmas costs in today's dollars by clicking this link.

On the eighth day of Christmas I'd really like to know why Donald Trump was selected to moderate a presidential debate. As one person who I've already mentioned in this column said, “The selection of a reality television personality to host a presidential debate that voters nationwide will be watching is beneath the office of the Presidency and flies in the face of that office's history and dignity.” What's next? Snookie or Charlie Sheen?

On the ninth day of Christmas I want to see 2012 be a better year for all, the economy turn and rrspin continue to grow.

On the tenth day of Christmas I'm thankful for my moment of clarity nearly two months ago which has allowed me to go with the flow more, even when people in my fantasy league try to egg me on by mentioning the Cowboys' sweep of the Redskins this year (second football reference).

On the eleventh day of Christmas I'd like to see the city do something to stop the further destruction of the Rosemary Mill, even though it's probably too late, and for someone to come clean on these highly ridiculous theories I hear floating around on what its use will be after there's hardly anything left but a skeleton. Warning: Link has obscene photos of an ugly landscape.

On the twelfth day of Christmas I'd like everyone to know that despite my seemingly snide and cynical nature, I'm still the adorable person pictured in the photo below with my cousin. Don't everyone reach for the air sickness bags at once because it is what it is — Lance Martin